Hezbollah Call Center

Hello you have reached The Hezbollah Hotline please listen as our options have changed

MAIN MENU

For Hassan Nassrallah Speeches press 1

For Tent City Hotline press 2

For Katyusha Smuggling press 3

For Assassinations press 4

For Presidential Election Blocking press 5

For Martyrdom Applicants press 6

For all other questions please stay on the line……

Welcome to Hassan Nassrallah’s Speeches

Please select from the following options

For all “Al Mowtou Li Amrika” speeches press 1

For all “Al Mowtou Li Israeel” speeches press 2

For the best of “Al Mowtou” speeches press 3

For the “Divine Victory/ Al Nasr l ilahi speeches press 4

For the “We will never use our weapons internally propaganda” speeches press 5

For all “Aoun is our negotiator” speeches press 6

To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to TENT CITY HOTLINE

Please select from the following options

If you are calling from Tent City and have not received your weekly wages press 1

If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee pretending to be a Aouny and would like to get an orange T-Shirt press 2

If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee and have not had a shower in 3 weeks press 3

If you are not a Hezbollah Operative and would like to apply for a Tent City job please hang up and call the Hezbollah Recruitment Office at 1-800 GO-HIZB

To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to the Hezbollah Katyusha Smuggling Directory

Please enter your 8 digit security code located on the bottom of your yellow she77atta

For Syria to Lebanon truck drivers press 1

For Donkey Smuggling / Mountain Guides press 2

For Katyushas in Residential Locations press 3

For Palestinians Groups looking to fire Katyushas at Israel press 4

To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to the ASSASSINATIONS INQUIRY HOTLINE

For remote control vehicle borne improvised explosive devices VBIED’s press 1

For March 14 target list press 2

For surveillance and kill squads in Beirut press 3

For United Nations patrol routes press 4

To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Congratulations You Want to Block the Presidential Election

Please choose from the following categories

If you are an FPM supporter and would like to see how Hezbollah can help press 1

If you are Wi’am Wahhab press 2

If you are willing to burn tires and demonstrate for money press 3

If you are a disgruntled pro Syrian and would like to bring the Syrians back press 4

If you are a Baathy, Aouny, SSNP, Marada, Karame Supporter, or remnant of Syrian Moukhabarat please hold the line and someone will be with you shortly.

To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Salam 3alaykum you have pressed the #6, we congratulate you on choosing Martyrdom for the sake of the UMMA

Please choose from the following Menu

If you are looking for 73 virgins press 1

If are looking for 73 virgins but cannot count that high, press 2

If you are Gay and are wondering if you get 73 virgin boys press 3

If you would like to record a martyrdom video press 4

If you would like to visit Abu Ali’s barber shop before you get your Martyr Poster taken press 5