I once wrote that Michel Aoun was an enigma.

I take that back.

Michel Aoun is no more an enigma than Hassan Nassrallah is cleanshaven.

What has changed you may ask?

Is it that he has now taken a somewhat consistent stand? Albeit smack in the middle of the Syrian camp. Or is it that he hails himself as the logical and secular protector of the Christians? Meanwhile advocating a presidential election by the people; 60% of which are Muslim.
But wait! could it be that he is no longer an enigma because he so consistently condemns the Christian prelate? Meanwhile seeking even the slightest nod of approval from the Divinely Bearded Protector of Lebanon and it ain’t Mar Charbel in case you were guessing.
I know.I know. I think it might be his unwavering fight against corruption while standing steadfastly by his allies ? Omar Karami, Sleiman Franjieh, Wi’am Wahhab, Nabih Berri, Asaad Herdan, and the rest of HasSanta’s uncorrupted little elves.

No Sir, Michel Aoun is no more an enigma than Asef Shawkat is a buddhist monk. He is no more an enigma than Ghazi Kenaan was suicidal and he is certainly no more of an enigma than Mohammad Fneish is cute.

I’ll tell you what Michel Aoun is.

Michel Aoun is an enema not an enigma.

And now I’ll tell you why.

Simply put: More crap has come to Lebanon from Mchel Aoun’s behavior than from 10,000 head of fiber-eating cattle on heavy laxatives.

Its not really funny but rather laughable since what he has done is so sad that crying is no longer a valid reaction.

Let me play the Devils advocate for a second and defend Hassan Nassrallah . Pun intended.

Let me also assume that just a few of the more achievable conspiracy theories expounded by LFPM were to be remotely true. Don’t worry , I’ll spare you a couple that are on the lowest spectrum of what already is the the pinnacle of bad taste. Thus I’ll delve not into Samir Geagea’s fertility nor the Killing of Dany Chamoun and out of just the slightest respect, I’ll try not to examine Amin Gemayels motives for killing his own son.

Lets begin then.

Firstly we have to assume that there is a supremely malevolent plan on behalf of Saad Hariri to make Lebanon not only into Palestine but also into a Saudi Wahhabi mutation of Palestine. Lets call it Saadestine or Hariristan as some not completely brain dead Aounies have put it.

Somehow, for Saadestine to happen, Rafic Hariri had to be assassinated by none other than the : Israelis/Americans/Lebanese Forces/Suadi Arabia/Jacques Chirac/Sunni Fundamentalist/Saad Hariri (please circle one) in order to advance the Saudi interest in Lebanon. Granted this is a Lebanon that is going to be wholly and entirely owned by Hariri except, of course, for the lands and assets that such a greedy man is going to give away to the Palestinians. Then in order to raise the share value of his personalized Lebanon (not to mention Solidere), Saad is going to give monetary support to every Wahhabi freak, Sunni fundamentalist, El Qaeda goon, Fat’h el Islam ninkampoop, Jund el Sham Soldier, Zarqawi wannabe and Jihadi inspired sleeper cell, to promote tourism in all the hotels serving booze in his coveted Downtown.

Lets us also assume that all his allies in March 14 are on that infamous inherited Hariri payroll and that Sethrida slept with Saad le Din (never forget that he is Saudi) to get Geagea out. Poor Samir in prison for 11 years thinking he was a political prisoner. If he had only known that pimping his wife would have gotten him out. Who knows how quickly he could have been in Paris? Anyway what good is a Lebanese conspiracy without some sordid sex tale? RIP and move over Elie Hobeika, we have the Hot Stud Saad now.

Let us also assume that the entire world is being fed wrong information about Aoun and Hizballah.
France, Germany, USA, Thailand, Egypt, Italy, Spain, and Sweden among tens of others are such dupes that Saad and Jumblatt (Since Geagea doesn’t really count) were able to convince them that Aoun is the March 8 President S-Elect (where S stands for Syria and not a more luxurious Mercedes model ,though that may end up part of the deal too) and that Hassan Nassrallah was an Iranian Revolutionary Guard Cadet as opposed to what he really is :a really truly pro democratic Lebanese Leader.

If at this point you have not had an aneurysm or a subdural hematoma from forcing your mind to concoct such a scenario, we can proceed to what Aoun expects us to do based on this information.

Its very simple.

Surrender.

Aoun actually believes, somewhere in the tiniest little shadow of a corner in his mind where 2+2 actually makes 4 instead of the usual 2+2= @#%$ !!, that he will find a way to get back to Baabda. To this effect he has not only made a pact with the Devil, but he agreed to carry the pitchfork for as long as it takes. As long as it takes to fully subdue and demoralize the last fighting remnant of free thinking Lebanese that is.

Let me detail these for a moment.

By using fear mongering and paranoia against the Lebanese Forces and the Sunnis, Aoun has succeeded in driving a wedge between Christians that were for all intents and purposes united until 2005. What has changed since then? Only Aoun who has mutated over to the Syrian side.

By using frequent attacks on the Christian Church in the person of Patriarch Sfeir, Aoun has caused enough animosity between Christians who defend the sanctity of the Church and those who are indifferent (Aouns supporters) that it serves to generate an antagonism against Aoun that validates his position. To this effect Aoun has created justification in saying that he is hated for being the popular choice of the Christians.

By creating a supposed “Majority of the Christians” cover for the nefarious dealings of Syria’s unashamed allies in Lebanon (Hizb, SSNP, Baath, Marada,etc), Aoun has managed to paralyze any international action or pressure that would otherwise have isolated Hizballah and shortened the crisis.

By refusing to join forces with the remainder of the Christian leaders due to his unabashed and shameless pursuit of the presidency, Aoun has cost the pro democratic Lebanese any chance of having a real Leader who can guide their country out of Syrian tutelage.

By throwing suspicion on March 14 every time an assassination happens and by honking the usual “Someone Wants to Frame Syria” forensic theory and by claiming that there are shadowy forces at work, Aoun managed to muddy the waters enough so that his complicit allies can hide in the murky waters.

By creating a false sense that he has accepted Sleiman’s candidacy and only wants to agree on government structure, Aoun has managed to give Syria more breathing room without a Lebanese President.

In the end what is so sad to see is that Aoun has now adopted the same proven tactics as Syria and Hizballah. It is very simple and obvious.

Create as much confusion and distress as possible.

Stop anyone from fixing anything.

Accuse everyone of everything.

Blame America and Israel for every other issue.

Make the people so miserable and destitute that they will accept anything that is perceived as a solution.

And the Last but not least…..

Pray pray pray that you stay in power.

Bravo Aoun

You are now the number 1

Enema of the State.

PS Definition
enema (noun) : injection of a liquid through the anus to stimulate
evacuation; sometimes used for diagnostic purposes